RANMA KILLS POP CULTURE!
by WFROSE
Summary: From the makers of 'RANMA KILLS THE TAKAHASHI UNIVERSE' comes even more garbage!
1. It has begun

Nabiki kept her eyes on the road, contemplating some of the uncanny and amazing things she's seen in her life. She's seen magical curses that changed a person into a different gender, even a different species. Ghosts animals looking for brides, martial arts techniques that defied the very laws of physics (not to mention common sense), Princes from other lands, a floating island, massive spaceships that covered over whole Tokyo districts, time travelers, even hundreds of years old immortals.  
  
Massive deaths didn't phase her any longer, she was used to the carnage. In fact, having been to every corner of Japan, from Naha to the very tip of Sapporo, and found very little that could shake her near icey and flippant facade. If the very Divine Deities were standing before her, she wouldn't even blink at the peculiar sight. There was one thing, one impossible feat that Nabiki couldn't even dismiss. She had been totally taken by surprise when it happened. She shouldn't have been so surprised, because of the one who had comitted the feat. He's defied the odds of improbability on casual strolls in the park, challenged the laws of physics with simple gestures, thumbed his nose at the very logic of the way things worked with a single word.  
  
But she was surprised, so surprised she couldn't do anything but stand there and mumble the mantra she still utters, even after it had happened almost a week ago...  
  
"I can't believe it, he actually outran a bullet..."  
  
"Don't forget 'with two bad legs, at point blank, while you were so weak'," the cheerful pigtailed young man added, "That part always brightens my day!"   
  
"What's worse? Is the fact you didn't DODGE the bullet, you *outran* it!" Nabiki was still somewhat in her own little world as she thought over this for the umpteenth time.  
  
Ranma paused, and mused to himself, "Although, even I didn't think it was possible... at the time, I mean."  
  
  
"THEN WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST SIT THERE LIKE ANY DAMN NORMAL REALITY WARPING, NATIONALLY WANTED SOCIOPATH WOULD HAVE, AND TOOK THE DAMN BULLET?!?!" Nabiki shouted, turning to Ranma with a wild expression on her face. Ranma calmly grabbed the wheel with his right hand, and swerved the van they were in slightly to miss the crowd of schoolchildren crossing the street, while running down the crossing guard wearing a Bonjovi t-shirt.  
  
"Hey, I took it as a personal challenge!" Ranma retorted, "by the way, you owe me a coke for that."  
  
"I never made a bet with you about that!" Nabiki replied exasperatedly.  
  
Ranma blinked, "You didn't? Damn, I was kinda thirsty, too."  
  
"Damn you, Ranma..."  
  
"Now, now," Ranma placated, "Don't get cranky about it."  
  
"Yeah, whatever..." Nabiki replied with a sigh, "I just hadn't gotten enough sleep, thanks to you..."  
  
"Oh, and your fly's still undone..."  
  
Nabiki quickly looked down, blushed, and immidiately zipped her fly up. She then threw a sideways glance at her partner, "Exactly how long have you been staring at that?"  
  
"Since we hit the Kentuky border. The scenery's kinda boring around here."  
  
"I'll say, I can barely keep my eyes open. Kami, does a fucking area need so much grass?"  
  
"If you're so tired, why am I letting you drive?" Ranma asked with a chiding tone.  
  
"Because you don't have your liscense, dumbass..."  
  
Ranma's sighed, and then turned back to look out the window, "Now, now, Nabiki, I think I've let you get away with this for long enough, you know what time it is?" He opened up the glove compartment, letting Nabiki know exactly what he was referring to.  
  
Nabiki immidiately hit breaks, causing the car in turn behind her to quickly swerve, flip over into a tall wheat field, and burst into flames. The passengers crawled out the windows, and ran around screaming, unintentionally feeding and fanning the flames that encompassed them.  
  
"N-no... please," Nabiki pleaded, immidiately going from confident yet irritated, to submissive and frightened, "I'll... I'll be good, I promise!"   
  
Ranma ignored the flaming body that slammed into the passenger side, screaming and pleading for assistance into the window. "Sorry, you brought this upon yourself," Ranma nodded his head to the back of the van, gesturing for Nabiki to head there after pulling over to the side of the road. He then rolled down the window, and backfisted the bastard. Ranma so hated hearing Nabiki complain about touching up the paintjob of the van when it got scorch marks on the finish.  
  
"Please, this is demeaning," Nabiki whined, but nonetheless, got up and walked to the back where she would be made to sit in 'the chair'. It was apolstered with fine red leather that stuck to bare skin, with thick padding for bounce, and a swivel base.  
  
"Don't beg, and save some of your dignity." Ranma replied, sitting in the chair across from her.  
  
"But... we've been doing this ever since we got rid of those pesky Aliens! Can't we..."  
  
"NO!" Ranma shouted, before settling down into his seat. He motioned his partner to sit down, and handed her the female personal entertainment device, "You will do this, and that will be the end of it."  
  
Nabiki whimpered some more, but took the device, and turned it on. With a sigh, she waited for the Nintendo logo to dissappear. She opened up the game save, and glared defiantly at Ranma, "Really, with all the time I spend driving, and you sitting there, you'd think you would try to find your damn Mewtwo yourself..." Nabiki brought her eyes back to the screen of the baby-blue Hello-Kitty Gameboy, and started to play.  
  
"And be quick about it, woman!" Ranma proclaimed, "We have a Britney Spears concert to catch!" With that, he brought the Saotome Honor blade to bare, and admired the shimmering surface.  
_____________________  
  
Ranma returns in...  
'RANMA KILLS POP CULTURE!!!!!' 


	2. Episode 1 Ranma vs Britney Spears

A small, rodent-like creature hopped into the middle of the grassy field. It looked up, and sniffed the air, just as a butterfly flew by it, yellow wings matching the larger animal's fur. The creature scratched it's ear with it's hind leg, and looked around. A faint scent caught it's attention, and it turned to see where it came from. The little animal came to look directly into what looked like the view from a zoom camera...  
  
"Pika?"  
  
::BLAMN!!!::  
  
Ranma raised his rifle, as the watched the yellow rodent do a backflip, "Hey, what do you know? Pokemon Safari is fun!"  
  
"Looks like you took out the left side of it's head," Nabiki commented, watching the rodent.  
  
Ranma looked at her, and turned to look back at the rodent in the distance, "How can you tell?"  
  
"It keeps running to the left, the right side of it isn't moving," Nabiki pointed out, as the Pokemon kept running in a tight circle against the ground {author's note; The left side of the brain controls the right side's functions, while the right side of the brain controls the left side. Isn't biology fun?}.  
  
"Hmm, cool!" Ranma commented, "What should we do with it now?"  
  
Nabiki waved her hand, "Leave it, somebody will find it enventually."  
  
"Okay, but can we wait until it dies?"  
  
Nabiki blinked, and looked through her binoculars at the Pokemon still running in a frantic circle, "Wow, that thing's a gusher! And it's still kicking, too!"  
  
"Wanna have sex until it finally stops twitching?" Ranma asked, suddenly becoming a bit bored with watching the death throes of the yellow rodent.  
  
Nabiki was already unbuttoning her shirt, "Sure, but do you think you can last longer than it?"  
  
Ranma's expression darkened, "Hey, it only happened once!"  
  
In the background, Pikachu stopped running in circles, and now settled for trying to stifle the bloodflow on one side of its head, by pressing it tightly to the ground. It's little hind legs kicked backwards with the effort.  
_________________  
  
RANMA KILLS POP CULTURE!!!  
Episode 1  
Ranma vs Britney Spears  
  
{Author's note; Any likeness to Britney Spears in this fic is purely intentful, though the author has no idea of how Britney Spears actually acts, or her full personality, he doesn't really give a fuck because he finds her to be an annoying bitch regardless, and takes great glee in writing this segment.}  
_________________  
  
A broun haired and slender shaped young lady sat in her plush baby-blue deco style luv seat, as she waited for her appearance on stage. She idly sipped from a can of Pepsi Twist, smirking sinisterly.  
  
Life had been good for her, ever since she made that pact with the Dark Voodoo deity, Soussan-Pannan. It wasn't for HER soul, she wasn't that stupid, but for the multitudes of those who would fall for her celebrity; pining over her music like lost and brainless masses, and pledging their undying servitude to her. With that, she would command them all to swear fealty to her own dark lord, allowing him to gain power to enslave the rest of the world.  
  
She got up from her seat, and approached a small shrine cabinet. She opened it, to reveal the entrails of an elderly yak that had just been recently butchored, spread about the inside of the shrine, filled with the darker symbols of Voodooism.  
  
She reached inside, and pulled out a paper pixie (tm) cup, filled with luke warm chicken blood. she dumped the contents into her mouth, and swished them around. It was one of the conditions to retain her stardom, as it allowed her a passable singing voice of a slightly unique style, tainted with evil allure to entrap those who listen.  
  
After spitting the blood back into the cup, and then pulled out a bowl filled with the piss of a newborn human baby. She dipped her hand into it, and smeared the vile fluid all over her face. It's amazing what you find in cosmopolitan, who woulda thunk baby urine could soften skin, and get rid of blemishes? She finally said her prayers to her sinister patron, feeling his evil energies enhance her, make her more than what she was before...  
  
"Two minutes, Ms. Spears!"  
  
Britney Spears, idol to millions, a Wall street stock commodity, and owner of posh restuarant, quickly closed the cabinet, "I'll be out in a sec..." She quickly rinsed her face, and gargled some mouth wash, as to not alert anyone. She started for the door, before looking down at her self, and blinking. She also realized she should put on something other than the black robe covered with Haitian curses and Voodoo symbols.  
  
After a quick change, she was almost ready She stopped, and pressed the air filled button on her left shoulder rapidly, causing her breasts to swell, and then opened the door.  
  
"Oh! Sorry, Maam, I was just delivering these..." A young man wearing a baggy gray stage jumpsuit and matching baseball cap, held out a bouqet of blood red roses.  
  
"Awwww, how adorable!" Britney exclaimed, before something registered, "Hey, wait a minute, who sent these?"  
  
"Ah..." The young man somewhat baulked, causing his pigtail to bounce against his shoulder, "A fan?"  
  
"No they didn't! All my fans know I like BLUE flowers!!!" Britney pointed accusingly at the young man disguised as a stage hand, "HELP! STALKER!"  
  
"Damn it!" the young man shouted. To both their ears, the clicking of something akin to a shell being chambered into a pump action shotgun was heard.  
  
The teen idol singer dove to the side, just in time to avoid the spray of buckshot that would have riddled her body. She rolled to her shrine, where she opened it again, and removed two Sig-Sauer P220 hand guns, and turned them on her attacker.  
  
"FUCK!" Ranma dove into the room, barely evading the trail of bullets that followed behind him. He brought his sawed off shotgun to aim, and fired. Britney flattened herself to the ground, and rolled towards a heavy wood table that was pointed baby blue. She kicked it over, and used it as a shield.  
  
Ranma was left with no cover, and quickly scurried out of the room. Finding no gunfire on her, the teen idol ran in pursuit. Ranma turned, after loading his gun, and turned to fire both rounds at her. Britney threw herself against the hallway wall, while firing her right gun at her would-be assassin.  
  
"Come on baby- hit me one more time!" She called out with an almost malicious glee. Ranma didn't quite understand the reference, since he was sure he hadn't hit her once yet, but attempted to strike her down with another shot. Britney threw herself to the ground on her back, and fired as she slid on the ground.  
  
Ranma evaded the bullets by spinning vertically in the air. He landed on his stomach, aiming the gun at Britney's temple. At the same time, Britney's own guns were pressed against Ranma's forehead.  
  
"Mexican standoff," Ranma stated, tersely.  
  
"Seems like it," Britney replied in the same tone.  
  
"Hey! Someone's got a shotgun to Britney Spear's head!" Somone shouted. Britney used the distraction to pull the trigger. Ranma heard the mechanisms of her guns working, and quickly spun his shotgun like a baton, parrying away her guns as they discharged.   
  
"OH DEAR LORD! MY KNEECAP!!" the bystander that shouted out the warning now cried. The pigtailed young man then spun around on his side, and kicked Britney in the chest. She was thrusted into the air with great force, yet she landed with a sinister smile.  
  
"No blow could ever harm these babies!" the idol singer exclaimed, pointing to her breasts. Ranma knew it was true, it felt like he was kicking a couple of steel belted balloons.  
  
Britney broke Ranma's internal thoughts with a couple of bullets aimed straight for his head. The pigtailed young man, jumped backwards, causing the bullets to pass just barely over past his cheeks, and landed on his back. He kicked himself back to standing, firing the second round left in his shotgun.  
  
His target dove to the side, and landed against a ladder. She fired several more shots, before ascending it. Ranma took the opportunity of her escape to load his shotgun again.  
  
Ranma followed the teen idol onto the rafters overhead of the stage. As soon as he was upon them, the pigtailed young man was forced to dive to the side, his fingers just barely hooking onto the rafters before he plummeted to the ground.  
  
The bullets alerted the crowd to the scene above, and there were severa gasps, as they saw someone dangling from them. Ranma flipped himself back onto the rafters, and returned fire with his shotgun. Britney leapt to another set of rafters, and ducked to hold balance, while firing in return.  
  
Ranma gritted his teeth, as he felt a bullet just graze his left shoulder, and decided the shotgun wasn't going to cut it. He tossed it down onto the stage, incidentally killing one of Britney's dancers, and pulled out the Saotome honor sword.  
  
"My blade will taste your blood," Ranma stated melodramatically, as he parried three bullets away. one of them flew into the crowd, killing a fourteen year old girl who was inconsequential to the rest of the world, so mentioning her was rather moot.  
  
"I will rip your soul out with my teeth, and spit it out onto the lap of my Dark Lord!" Britney returned, firing, "You will not stop me! I will have the whole world in my thrall! I'm already more popular than Mickey Mouse!"  
  
"Well sister," Ranma retorted, "I've always been an anime guy, myself." Swifty, Ranma reached behind his back with his left hand, and threw a throwing dart at the teen idol.  
  
Britney just barely managed to use the barrel of her gun to parry it away. "Uh... do you mean Japanimation?" She asked, innocently; her eyes blinking in slight confusion.  
  
Ranma paused, and stared at Ms. Spears for the longest time. Even the crowd below was quiet.  
  
"Now she done it," one audience member whispered to another.  
  
"DIE!" Ranma slammed his palm into the rafters, causing them to shake violently. Britney braced herself against a pole to maintain balance, giving Ranma the time to close the gap between them. Ranma attepted to cleave his bane in two, but found her blocking the sword with her guns crossed over her. She suddenly thrust her chest forward, bumping her cleavage into Ranma, and causing him to almost fly off the rafters. The pigtailed young man barely managed to snag a pole on the rafters, and swing himself around for a kick to her side.  
  
Britney turned her chest to the kick, and smiled wickedly, as Ranma's foot bounced off, almost sending him falling again.  
  
"What the heck?" Ranma exclaimed, backing away.  
  
"Now you see the folley of making an attempt at my life!" Britney laughed wickedly, as she brought her guns to bear. She blinked a moment, and brought her right hand to her left shoulder, pressing a button, while mumbling, "that kick deflated me a lot..."  
  
Ranma immidiately noticed her chest swelling, and realized what was going on. Saotome had managed to solve the mystery of Britney Spear's breasts!  
  
"Gotcha," Ranma whispered to himself, it was now do or die time. Time seemed to slow down, as the pigtailed young man raced towards the woman. Britney started firing a hail of bullets at Ranma, which he dodged via the decellerated pace of time to him. He looked down to the bottom left, and noticed he had very little bullet time left. Sure enough, time sped back to normal, just as his blade plunged into Britney's left breast.  
  
"NO!" The idol singer exclaimed, just before a massive pop reverberated through the stadium. The shockwave knocked both Ranma and Britney apart, but sent Britney plunging to the stage below. She fell through the wooden floor, and a large explosion erupted from the hole; expelling the tortured souls used in her dark rituals to appease her dark patron. The stage lights on the rafters had been shaken loose, causing one to plunge into the hole from above, followed by another one, and then another, and then...  
  
"Take that! And THAT! And one of these! AND HOW ABOUT A BABY BLUE ONE, HUH?!?" Ranma shouted, pulling off stage lights from the rafters, and pitching them into the hole...  
_________________  
  
Saotome War Journal;  
  
First mission in the US is complete, I've rid the world of the scourge that was Britney Spears. Even with such a decisive victory against all that I stand against, I have a long way to go.  
_________________  
  
"Saotome, don't you think you were... I dunno, a bit overzealous?" Nabiki asked, keeping her eyes on the road, "Oh, and press down the clutch for me, I need to shift gears."  
  
Ranma raised his head from Nabiki's lap, "Which one's the clutch?"  
  
"The one on your far right... YOUR OTHER RIGHT!"  
  
Ranma grinned sheepishly, "ah... sorry."  
  
Nabiki grumbled, and started the van again, "Anyways, I think she was dead after falling thirty feet, head first. The spotlights were overboard."  
  
"You cna't tell for sure sometimes, I mean, we didn't even see a body!" Ranma retorted.  
  
"No, but we saw a red and charred paste," Nabiki replied.  
  
Ranma shrugged, and went back to his business, "Damn it! quit moving around so much!"  
  
"You COULD wait till I pull over to recover your spilled skittles from my lap..."  
_________________  
  
Another spotlight fell into the hole, and another, and another...  
  
Above the hole, high in the rafters, continued the conveyer belt Ranma set up, depositing it's load below.  
  
___________________  
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Author's notes; Hey, fellow authors! Feeling a little down with the mindless mass's latest obsession? Ever wish you could constructively release your anguish by utilizing an avatar of immense destruction to allieve your plight? Well, SAY NO MORE! Just email WFROSE@AOL.com for access to our favorite psychopathic menace to all things annoyingly pop-culture, and let your imagination fly! 


End file.
